Of late I have been reading a lot on Jen Sinvero, Mark Manson, Gary John Bishop and his articles. At one time I was rhetorically asking myself if Bishop is just a title or if it is part of his name. Aaaaaaaaaaaand before you cast the first stone on account of plagiarism or anything related to that, I have already been self-tried, judged, found guilty and even sentenced myself. I was thinking between hanging or the guillotine, but I’ll let you decide that. All credits where due, anyway.
And still, after all this time,
the Sun has never said to the Earth,
“You owe me.”
Look what happens with love like
that. It lights up the sky.
—Rumi
The morning excitement has always been upsetting to me, Friday being like any other was of no exception. I sit for just a second and stare at the white walls of the room. Slowly but steadily, her images flash across, silently like a slide.
I sigh, a hopeless sigh while I look at the time on the cold phone lying on the table just next. Ooh shit! I forgot the wall paper! I stare at her, she seems to be returning the look, ever smiling. I understand though sincerely I don’t understand, I don’t understand her, she doesn’t understand me. Now we act like strangers. Putting the phone away, my head is bowed and for the first time I feel my spirit is crushed, soul troubled, dimmed hopes and silently whispher a prayer to the One above for the will and sheer strength I know I will need.
I’m not a believer who prays and speaks in tongues, but right now isn’t the right time to cast my religious doubts since my wavering faith has a long list of questions waiting to be answered.
Before anything else for the day, one question always pops up, will it happen? Will it happen today? My mind agitates but I have never known the answer to that one but it doesn’t matter, doesn’t it?
I wanted that girl. No, I badly wanted her. But easier said that way. For reasons best known to myself, my eyes were fixed on her. In as much as I want her, I know I won’t end up attracting someone as amazing as her without valuing highly the sentimental agitation that is tagged along with endless rejections, incubating the sexual tension that is never discharged and of course carrying along a phone that never rings.
I know what you want to ask now, What do I really want with this girl? Nothing much different from what anyone desires: an awesome relationship, great sex of course. But then unannounced awkward silent treatments, feelings get hurt and the turbulence just carries on and on. This is the green light to give up, right?
In a few years time the question I’ll be asking myself is, What if? What if I gave it one more try? What if I would have not settled for less? What if I just proved my worth? If you think regretting something you have done hurts, wait till you regret something you never did. Anyway is the struggle worth it?
Nothing comes for granted. Take for example winning a mountain climbing feat. How it’d feel to wrap your self in the victory flag. The greater the challenge the greater the honor to the champion. Honour is the key thing. Happiness doesn’t just appear from a fairy grandmother sprinkling pixie dust in your life. You want a lifelong relationship, couple goals and not just the #, “accept the struggles”. Anxiety attacks and pangs of loneliness will see you through, not just prayers. Wait, why does it seem like I’m addressing this issue to you?
Bottom line, it is never about how much you want something. How badly do you want it? On a sad note, I’d rather wash my man cave with socks rather than talk to someone who tells me ‘niambie anything’.(Insert trashcan emoji)
Unknowingly, we chose the fucks we give. Aaah just allow me to drop the whole quote if his, ” This is something called maturity. It’s nice; you should try it sometime. Maturity is what happens when one learns to
only give a fuck about what’s truly fuckworthy. Boychild, there’s no one as arrogant as a lady who’s moved on, I stand to be corrected.
If you ain’t fuckworthy, she won’t give just give a fuck on you or whatever concerns you. As Thanos
said to his daughter Gamora, (which, fuck you, I know it doesn’t concern you but I still watched that scene over a hundred times) “I ignored my destiny once, I can not do that again. Even for you. I’m sorry Little one.”
Then the mad titan, the one they call heartless, with tears in the eyes sacrificed his only daughter to get the soul stone. And you still think you’re irreplaceable? As we grow older and enter middle age, something else begins to change. Our energy level drops. Our identity solidifies. We know who we are and we accept ourselves, including some of the parts we aren’t thrilled about. No grey, it’s either black or white.
Haha, just don’t get depressed, and don’t use it as an excuse to drown your self, either in drinks or sorrows…. sorrows can also swim.
The only thing holding my string of hopes together is the possibility that, and not the guaranteed fact, anything can happen. I grant you permission to call this wild thoughts or anything you feel like but nothing is impossible right? My dreams are still valid? In this spiritual walk, as a scientist the odds are against me. Science deals with facts and here I am hoping and having a strong belief of in the unseen, isn’t that what you call faith?
Once again, as a norm I do everyday, I stare at my phone blankly. Waiting for a text, or a call that I know won’t probably come.
