G for Girls

“Here I got you something”

The typical her asks, “What is it?”

I hand it over to her,

“Think of it as an early birthday present. It’s a new hand bag…”

She interjects. “This is not a handbag, it is a clutch”

“What?”

For Christ’s sake, I am now confused 

She sighs, ”A handbag is a versatile bag that you can carry every day. It goes with every outfit, it’s practical, wearable. This is a clutch. It’s a strapless bag that is clutched in the hand. It’s an evening bag, for a fancy night out. Like a date night or a night at the movie. None that you ever take me to.”

Awuoro!!!!!

Then you’ll hear someone saying ‘Aaaaw, relationships are fun.’ What’s fun there?

And here’s the thing, to the question of what is true love?  Everyone gets it wrong. They think true love is in the first kiss, in the magical moments. But no! You know what true love is? Finding that person, that partner that helps you for the rest of your life find reasons to leave a party before you go to the party. That’s true love right there. That’s a real couple. Right before you go into your friend’s house you’re like,  just say you have something you need to submit before 11 and we will leave.

True love is when you can go home to that same person every night. Throughout the years no matter what. Every single night and right before you go to bed you can look at each other and gossip about each other’s friends. Guys, there’s nothing better than right before you go to bed, she turns over and she’s like, “you want to hear about Samantha?” And you will be on season seven of Samantha. Who is Samantha again? All you know is that she’s a workmate and you hate her attitude because your girl hates it.

From research and experience before, I think I’ve kind of figured out how to make each other happy. And it’s very simple for both genders right and I’ll tell you this guys. If you want to make your woman happy all you gotta do is make her feel good.

That’s it,  just make her feel good it’s as simple as that. Compliment her every chance you get. Find out what her favorite chocolate is and hide it around the house and never let her know.  Have little love notes and just put them everywhere she’ll randomly find. It literally drives them crazy. It’s always the little things that matter unless it’s….oh never mind, they don’t like it little.

On the other hand, ladies if you want to make your man happy? It’s very simple, give him h…. Cause what’s he supposed to do with your sorry? You don’t know what I’m talking about? You are the problem in that relationship.

Then there are these single guys that envy us in relationships. Oh they want to be like us, we look so happy together, love is a beautiful thing and other shenanigans. They should envy married people.  Some of the married guys don’t even dress themselves anymore. They just wear the next clean shirt. 

And I’ll share with you what scares me the most when it comes to love. What scares me the most is the marriage part. It is the fact that men and women don’t even look at marriage the same way. When women talk about marriage, it’s a happy occasion.

Women are all excited. 

“I’m getting married,” She flashes her hand, “I got my ring and colors picked out. I want a standard theme. Oh God, I am so excited. I got four of my fat best friends to stand next to me. It’s going to be a beautiful day. I am going to walk down the aisle, you should see my dress!”

But it’s not the same for the men. When men talk about marriage with their friends, it sounds like it’s something you get diagnosed with.

“Did you hear what happened to Collins?”

“No, what?”

“He’s getting married.”

“No! No way! I just saw him last week.”

“When did he find out?”

“She told him yes yesterday, at dinner.”

“Is there anything that we could do for him?”

“No, the invitations already went out. There’s nothing we can do.”

Then we will show up at the wedding and claim we are all happy for Collins. 

But I feel for the single guys. The dating scene is rough. You think it’d be easy to find somebody to date. Right now, have every group represented and I think it’s madness.  Since it’s 2023, we have the LBGTQ community. You can’t offend anyone. You can’t step on anybody’s toes. If you meet a girl on the club or outing and you think she’s attractive, you have to ask some questions. 

Who do you identify as? What are your pronouns? Are you a she? How long have you been a woman? Cause that’s a legit question. But hey not that I have anything about queer people but there’s no way the man that claims to be the woman in the relationship can actually behave like a woman.

Let me explain.

If you are the woman in a queer couple, do something a woman can do then maybe I will believe you. Can you turn a compliment into an argument? Can you break into my phone by the time I go to the bathroom and back into the dinner table? Can you be totally starving and have no idea of what to eat? Can you randomly ask me if I would love you if you were a potato? Exactly, those cross dressers can attempt all they want but they can’t come close to being a woman.

Ladies, who run the world?…

Exactly.

In Noah’s-ark relationships, there are no outcomes to certain conversations. Something as simple as asking them, babe are you hungry? Quickly becomes something around the lines of, “Well I haven’t eaten yet. I should probably eat something, but I’m not feeling it right now.  But if I don’t eat right now, you know how I’ll get later. Probably all moody and cranky. So probably I guess I should eat you but it depends on the options available. What do you think? 

Just a very simple yes-or-no question but still you will not get an answer. Right now you are trying everything not to be frustrated. So you still ask;

“Where would you like to eat?”

You’ll think that is the safest question in the world to ask but it’s not. “Well, just pick something. You know me, I will go with the flow.”

“Okay, we’ll order KFC”

She goes berserk, 

“Nooo, I don’t feel like having KFC right now”

When you go to sleep, you will ask for patience. Cause if you ask for strength, you’ll probably walk away from the relationship.

Point is, we need to accept the fact that there are things women can do and we cannot. See the other time, with my little brother,we were  just at the mall. Then this mid-30’s woman comes and goes all, 

“Aaaaaw, he’s so adorable. What’s his name? You are so cute, when you turn 18, I am so much coming (Don’t know which one she meant, or both) for you. You little heartbreaker.” She looks at me, “Save him for me”, kisses him and then leaves.

I challenge any guy reading this to go to the mall, approach any person you don’t know with a little girl and try that shit.  You will be lucky if you’ll still have your front set of teeth.

Which reminds me, sometime back I asked a friend of mine, “why are you bi?”

And she replied, “In the Bible it is Adam and Eve, not Adam or Eve.”

Whatever you do during this cold season, don’t let them say you died of lack of cuddles.