N for NyarNyakach

Hi please?

Luo women, idhi nadi?

An bende adhi maber. 

Luo women are not to everyone’s taste. They are like this Simple Boy. Who? Exactly.

It’s time to take the red pill. 

I posit that all Luo women are hot. They were no doubt created when God was not only feeling Godly, but also cheeky; that explains the huge ‘pasts’ and equally enticing ‘futures’. If you’re giggling, you’re too young to be here. Please, Zee World is on your 2nd door to the left. 

There is a certain je ne sais quoi about Luo women. They look good while coming but even better while leaving.

Her skin is darker than our politician’s hearts. Ngozi imeshika kuliko super glue. And just like Thika Road, the more curves she has the more dangerous she is. 

Aristotle is rumoured to have dated a Luo from Pubungu Pakwach, because only a scholar like himself could read his intentions. 

The reason why I am planning to date a Nigerian lady pretty soon is so that I can compare their arrogance with that of Luo ladies. 

Go to the dictionary and search the word ‘arrogant’ and you will see a picture of a Nigerian woman. But if you look closely you will see the Nigerian woman holding a picture of a Luo woman. 

You have not been loved until a Luo woman has loved you. Luo women love in capital letters. And they come in two modes: Unfaithful and Peaceful: or Faithful and Irritating. 

She can negotiate with PLO Lumumba and question Dr. Ndii and still make Kariuki wa Mbao reduce his price from 200 to 20. Kutupa mbao.

Daughters of the lake, goddesses of fertility, carry their problems in their derriere, gyrating like Nam Lolwe. 

Nyako, corrupt me I am your Kenya.

Acrusho when are you coming to Nairawbi?

If Jesus drove a Vitz on earth this time, Mary Magdalene of Asiyo would have been Luo. Martha would have been a Jaber from Oyugis because they know how to take care of men. Delilah would have been a distant cousin of Millie Odhiambo <fullstop>

Even in the club a Luo woman will only drink with men: Hennessey, Remi Martin, Jack Daniels, son of James, and Konyagi I mean Cognac. 

Nyambura, Nanjala, Amina, Sanaipei, Nyaboke, Chelengat, Mwende amongst other innocent Kenyans, are you taking notes? Helloooo? Is this thing on?

Did you know that Luo women even while in school never file nil returns?

If I had a dollar for every Luo woman I dated, I would single-handedly kill the wage gap. 

Speaking of, the pièce de résistance about luo women? It’s the fact that they have gap teeth so good it seems to shock you into obeisance. And, entre nous, Luo women don’t moan while having sex. They whistle.

Unlike our sisters from the mountain who will point to the bosom and tell you, “Hii ni shakura ya mtoto…lakini hapa chini … shomerea.”

Anyango with the gap between her teeth will whisper: “Baby kith😘 me pleath before you thleep.🥺”

Aaaaaahhhhhh…

Maybe it’s a personal hex, but that just turns me on. 

“Sweeth hath path me the tomatho,”

If you haven’t dated a Luo woman (or man, I don’t know what you are into), there is nothing you can tell me about life. Kwanza if you are a Kisii man. 

Wake up as comfort is a slow death.

Luo wimin, jaber ah oriti!

#ChineduTales

Written by Eddy Ashioya