A for Arguments

(Shot on that Samsung phone that flips like a Motorolla)

There’s two different problems in all relationships: problem number one, men like to lie. Problem number two women you all like to argue. There you go, right there let’s address the fact that women love to argue right?

This girl likes to argue so much that at the end of the argument she calls her girlfriend up and reenacts the whole argument.

‘That he said…and then I was like…. and then he said… and I said…. and then I was like… then he said…. then I was like….I seriously don’t know what’s wrong with him. He’s just punching the wall” she says this after she has tested your patience to the limits.

But what daughters of Eve forget is that most of the time we lie  because the truth just ain’t good enough. Sometimes the truth is yes I did go to the club, had a great night, hung out with my fellas, we didn’t do anything wrong, we just sat in the back the whole time. 

Sometimes the truth is after that I sit in the parking lot smoking a joint with my fellas to force time to go home. Sometimes the truth is that I might not get home till 4 in the morning. I didn’t do anything wrong but had a great night with my good friends.

But I can’t come home and tell her that truth. It is going to be a long peace-less night. Simply because, that truth just ain’t good.  As soon as I try to tell her the truth she’ll can be like,

“So let me get this straight, you were at the club with Kinyua. And then after the club you sat out in the parking lot smoking a little joint.  Then after that joint that made you hungry so you went and grabbed something to eat. Damn, well if you’re not doing anything wrong why are you sneaking in the house?”

“It’s 3:30 in the morning and the average person is asleep. How the fuck should I know you up in the living room.  In the dark with your arms folded in the argument stance waiting for me to walk in the  door.  You are the weirdo, go to bed.”

You see sometimes the only reason we lie is if the truth doesn’t sound believable. Ladies please try to understand that  that doesn’t mean that we are out cheating or drilling a hole in someone, It only means whatever I was doing doesn’t sound right when I say it out loud .

Some of my good friends are older than me and so usually do older guys shit, at one time we went to a lounge.  Nothing planned, just a hangout. We were watching a Mortal Kombat advert or commercial on TV. We are locked in the game and I don’t know where one of them comes from but he says.

“You are lucky we don’t have the Playstation, if we did, I’ll whoop all your asses.”  Kinoti retorts out of nowhere.

One problem we have here is that everyone is competitive, the next thing we were placing bets that everyone can beat everyone. We go get the console at Morty’s place!

We set everything in the living room and we’re on. Our game looks like nothing we saw on the tv. So as usual, we decided to add alcohol into the mix. For every round lost, take a shot. Every game lost, take a shot. For a brutality finisher that’s two shots same when you ace a finishing combo. You get taken out by a flawless victory, that’s three shots.

Somewhere along playing I take enough shots and I black out. I wake up at 10 am. I wake up I look at my phone I have 37 missed calls and 57 unanswered texts. Guys let me tell you something: the worst thing that you can do in life is not respond to your lady’s text messages. 

The reason I say this is because your woman will then proceed to have a conversation with herself about the messages that she is sending you. Listen to me this is what that conversation looks like,

2300 hrs: So this is what we are doing now?

2345 hrs: Wow I guess this is what we are doing now.

1206 hrs: You know what I hope that bitch is worth it

1258 hrs: So you telling me that that bitch is worth it?

0230 hrs: You know what, don’t even come home tonight

0315 hrs: You are not even coming home tonight?

She’s drawing conclusions and answering the conclusions that she dreamt by herself. It’s a sickness, ladies, it’s a disease. Come the following morning, I wake up at 10 a.m. The next thing I’m shouting at Morty, “get your ass up. Why did you let me sleep till 10 a.m.? You know damn well I had to sleep at home.”

This guy decides to get creative with my  rhetorical question. So he goes, “Let me stop you there I don’t know where you have to be okay?  What I do know is where I’m supposed to be.  I know that, so it looks here like you need to make better life decisions.”

So I’m there , “stop that shit .It’s 10 a.m. I can’t just walk into the house perfectly fine. I’m not drunk, I’m not injured. I can’t just go home, straight to bed like everything is alright at 10 a.m.

Then he asks me, “why not? That’s your house?”

“I don’t give a fuck whose house it is Morty. It’s a principle. Let’s reverse it and let’s say your lady stays out all night.  You’ll be calling and texting her all night and she’s not responding.  She just walks in the house at 10 a.m. in your mind what was she doing?”

“Well that means she was out there sucking D that’s it.”

I said “that’s my point that’s what she’s going to think I was doing”

He gives me that confused look “your lady is going to think you were out there sucking D? That is what you’re telling me? Well you didn’t suck any dick over here I tell you this ain’t the dick sucking house so I don’t know where you did that at…”

I am livid, “shut your dumb-ass. Bottom line I’m not going to my house like this.”

So you see I need to come up with a lie cause if I just walk into the door and tell her I was playing PlayStation the whole night with the boys, do you think she’ll believe me?  As soon as I enter the house my lady will be like,

“Where  the fuck were you last night?”

And I just tell the truth I was playing Mortal Kombat and then the devil, the committee in her head will be like. “Mortal Kombat really?” (Boooombastic side eye!!!!) and I will be in trouble, I know that daughter of Eve.

So instead I tell her, “there was an argument at the  local pub on whose girl is the prettiest. I had to win it”

 

Inspired by Hartbeat Productions

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